11 July 2009 Understand Homosexuality

I just attended 2 Sat of classes in Church on Understanding Homosexuality. The speaker is an ex-lesbian Pastor from an organization called PLUG (Pursuing Liberty Under Christ). The course was very good and very informative and it left me with both hope and fear.

Hope for those who are currently involved in homosexual lifestyles. Fear for the challenges our kids are going to face.

There are so many pit holes waiting for them and the evil one is like the roaring lion waiting to eat them up.

At the end of the day, the root of all problems started in the family. I think it is very important for all parents to learn about some of the basic skills to raise their kids with healthy gender identities. Honestly, there are not so hard for a healthy family.

These are the roots and causes of male homosexuality:

0-18Months

-Need touch; if lacking, the child will get confused as in need touch so much that he/she can't differentiate between good touch and bad touch anymore.

18 months - 5 years old:

-A boy needs to receive gender affirmation both verbally and physically from his parents, for example, telling a son: "You are so handsome/strong, etc, just like your daddy!" Keep affirming he is like a boy, he is like his dad. (A boy should not hear things like this from parents: "Why are you more like a girl than a boy?" or "Why do you cry/play/fight like a girl, not like a boy?")

-A boy will notice he is different from his mom, he needs to dis-identify with his mom and connect to his dad.

-Parents must team up to assist this boy in this transition phase. Mom has to help her son to identify with his dad. Instead of saying things like, "playing football with your dad is too rough for you, come inside and bake with me." She needs to say, "when you play football you look just like your dad! What a wonderful sight!"

-If parents are not in a good relationship, then when a mom says "You are just like your dad!" It is more like an accusation than an affirmation. This would bring the opposite effect.

-If dad is cold and the boy experiences hurt and rejection. He will try to seek acceptance somewhere else when he is older. The boy who grew up did not know how to have a healthy relationship with other boys/men, thus craving more for their acceptance and affirmation.

5-12 years old:

-Need to build up healthy same-sex friendships. This plays an important role in the development of secure gender and sexual identity.

-Those who did not de-identify with mom and connected with dad might have a "Pre-homosexual" tendency. "Prehomosexual" boys are very polite, responsible, clean, neat, sensitive to others (ESPECIALLY their mom's needs), aware of what other people expect of them, and tend to deny their own needs and wants and would rather make other people happy. Homosexual behavior is a way of being bad.

-"Prehomosexual" boys are usually taunted by same-sex peers and usually not picked for sports. They craved same-sex friendship and yet were once again rejected.

-If nothing is done, they will become homosexual.

ROOT & causes of Female homosexuality:

1. Physical trauma - sexual abuse, incest, rape, neglect

2. Emotional trauma- abandonment, rejection, unmet needs for love, acceptance, gender identification, and validation, lack of protection, verbal abuse

3. Unhealthy parental roles:
a. Girl sees her mom as "non-nurturer": break down relationship with same-sex parent lead to gender identity crisis.

b. Girl sees her dad as a "non-protector": girl needs a dad to affirm her femininity (his opinion provides affirmation or disapproval in a way that a mom cannot). Poor male role models inhibit a woman from effectively relating to men.

Infancy:
-Perceives mom as nurturer, and comforter and trust her to provide life's basic need = feel safe n secure = identify with the mom

Toddlerhood

-Girls need encouragement, boundaries, and continue involvement with their moms.

-How a mom perceive life will have an impact on her child (all mom are bad, etc)

-When intimacy and identification with same-sex parents are obscured in some way = distrust of same-sex parent = defensive detachment = girl will reject/pull away from a same-sex parent even if love is offered.

Childhood

-Building up healthy same-sex friendship = affirm feminine identity

- Need to hear from Dad, "I love you, you are my precious little girl."
NOT "I wished you are a boy!"


I decided to skip the adolescence stage for now. I think that is already a lot of information to digest...at least for me. :)

As you can see, it is really not so hard for a healthy family, as in a family in which the parents are having a healthy relationship. However, for a dysfunctional family, a lot of things could go wrong.

I also bought a book called "Raising Gender Confident Kids" by Melvin Wong, Ph.D. Hopefully, when I read it I will have more to share. For now, I need to get some sleep. :)