Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Scolding = improving?

Den cried in her ballet class yesterday. I did not know about it until one of the mother sms me at night.

I was in the line dance class while she was in her ballet class. She seemed to be her active and cheerful self after the class and never mentioned anything.

Usually I would ask her how was the class and did teacher call her name (she likes to talk in class). Some how, yesterday, I forgot to ask her.

After I received the sms, I asked her about it. At first she denied.

I talked to her for a few minute and ST threaten to call her teacher and finally she told us she cried because her teacher scolded her. When I asked her why her teacher scolded her, she claimed she had forgotten (whenever she wanted to avoid a topic, she always said she forgotten).

After a few min more in talking to her, finally she admitted teacher scolded her because she cannot remember her steps. She also claimed, half the classes didn't remember their steps and was scolded by teacher too. She was the only one that cried though.

We were at Yamaha when we confronted her. So when we reached home, I hug her and talked to her more. I talked to her about why she cried and why she did not want us to find out what happened.

She admitted she felt shameful because she cant remember her steps. She wanted to be the BEST in everything she do (she has been a perfectionist since young, I have been trying hard in changing that). She cannot accept she is not doing as well as some others.

I talked to her about how God give everyone different gift and how impossible and unfair it will be for anyone to be BEST in everything. She thought about it and told me she wanted to be BEST in ballet and Yamaha then (sigh!). She also claimed she wanted to teach ballet and piano when she grow up! (That's news to me! Not sure if that's just to justified her wants in being the best.)

I told her I'm the second to last in my line dance class. I'm really bad in anything physical. She must be taken after me. :)

I told her I understood how hard it can be in remembering steps. She felt better after she knew I'm the second to last in my class. Then she wanted to know who is the last. After that she tried to comfort me and told me she thought everyone dance well in my class including me.

After that, she had enough hug hug and ran to play her things and left me pondering about what I really want to write about today -- can we improve kid's performance by scolding?

I'm not angry with her ballet teacher or anything like that. Sweden cried easily anyway. But just that this make me think about how we use scolding in hope of correcting any wrong in our kids. Is it effective? Will it ever work?

I am really one of the worst dancer in my line dance class. Just imagine, if my teacher start scolding me, will it make me a better dancer? Will it help to make me remember my steps? Off cause NOT! It will only make me more nervous and making more mistakes.

That led to self reflection. Do I scold Sweden in hope that she will listen and improved?

I seldom scold her during study. Whenever she has anything she don't understand or make any careless mistake, I just make her do it again and again. I don't see the point of getting angry. The only time I scolded her during study was when she was not paying attention. But then even that, I found it not effective. So nowadays, whenever she is loosing her concentration, I ask her to run a few rounds to clear her mind and come back to study or change the subject and come back to it later. So I don't usually get angry when we study.

Someday, it takes her forever to decode(read) the phonic paragraph (in Teach Your To Read In 100 Easy Lessons), to keep my self from being impatient, I read my newspaper while listening to her read.

Getting angry with her for other stuff is another matter. I scold her whenever I feel it it something she is able to do but do not do it properly. For example, taking hours to finish her meal, taking forever to get ready, absent minded, character flaws, pestering, etc. One of the things that really get on my nervous is when she takes more than 1 hours sleeping on the bed before she fallen asleep.

But then I asked my self, can scolding improve all that? The answer is may be some but really not much. First of all, some of the stuffs I put under this category of "things she is able to do but not doing them properly", is my assumption that she can in control of these things, but can she really?

We all have sleepless night, we can force our selves to sleep, may be she has the same problem, even though I perceived as she doesn't close her eyes or she is playing with her fingers or etc.

Can scolding improve absent minded? If yes, then may be I should get someone to start scolding me.

It is much more productive and not to mention speedier when I continue to stay at the dinning table with her after I finished my meal. Scolding or withdrawing privilege don't seems to work too well.

Character flaw? Don't we all wish we can scold our kids out of dishonesty, etc. We can always hope. :)

I supposed I need to find a better way than scolding. :(

It mean more work on my part - more patient- but then the best thing about motherhood is making us more Christ like! :)

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